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“Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.”  ~ John Muir
 

Last summer, this deer plopped down for a rest in our yard for more than an hour.

When I let Roxy out this morning, I noticed our cat Doolin was already out and perched attentively at the top of the steps leading to the second level of our terraced, wooded yard. Actually, attentive isn’t quite right. Transfixed is more like it. And not in that spring-loaded, butt-waggling, ready-to-pounce way. This was a wary crouch, almost like she was watching and hiding all at once. I stood in my jammies on the patio below and silently listened.

Some crunching of leaves. The occasional twig snap. Nothing momentous sounding. And then, I saw it. From out of the trees, a deer appeared, walking cautiously, lifting each hoof individually. Doolin froze. Roxy had her back turned and never saw a thing. I must have moved my head, because the creature halted its progress and stared at me. For a moment or two, we sized each other up. Then a neighbor dog barked, and Bambi bolted.

But those few moments of pure peace might just carry through my entire day.

There’s something about seeing a deer, in my very own back yard, that still floors me; guess I’ll just always be a kid from Queens. The first deer sighting we had here on our property was years ago, maybe our second summer in the house. It was early morning, and I was way up on the third level watering a fuschia we had hanging from a tree. I heard a gentle rustling behind me, and slowly turned my head. Not sure what I was expecting to see — squirrel? peeping tom? Definitely not a deer as tall as I am, standing about 4 feet away. And she must have been just as startled to find a human standing in her woods at daybreak with a plastic watering can. We were both stock-still for several seconds, and then she turned and continued her serene stroll through the woods.

Another morning, in winter, Roxy and I encountered a whole family of deer in the park down the street. When they heard us approach, they sprinted across the snow in unison. In a blog post at the time, I described their retreat as a “magical mixture of haste and grace.” It was breatktaking and filled me up.

If I could somehow arrange to have one of these deer encounters each morning, I suspect the doctors would never again fret about my blood pressure.

When Cabrina announced we’d be flying to Las Vegas for a long weekend with her family and returning home late on May 18, my reaction was mixed. How could I spend the 10th anniversary of Dad’s passing on a series of airplanes? It seemed disrepectful somehow. But I quickly saw the benefit. With luggage and security checkpoints and boarding passes to occupy my consciousness, I probably wouldn’t have time to dwell on a decade of ache, right?

Wrong. That familiar, hollowed-out feeling in the chest just waited a day.

The heart keeps a calendar all its own.

Something beautiful happens tomorrow, but I’ll likely be on an airplane when it does.

So, a little early, I raise my invisible champagne glass and dedicate a song to love and courage and Michelle and Melissa.

Some days I’ve got so much to say, I feel swollen. But the words don’t come. They just spin around inside. A gritty, blistering sandstorm. 

Today’s one of those days.

Sometimes blogging helps to dislodge what’s stuck. To show the why behind the what. Lead me out of my mental thicket. But I’m pretty sure it won’t work this time. …

A little over a week ago, my partner and I stood on a grassy hill overlooking Los Angeles. It was a peaceful spot, with a view that on any other day might have elicited sighs of contentment. But on this day, as the California sun freckled our skin, we saw grown men weep and women’s fingers twist Kleenex into damp, mangled clots.

We faced a casket of blond wood and the incomprehensible reality that Cab’s father was suddenly gone.

Mr. Gilbert (that’s what I always called him) was an unabashed consumer of life. Quick to laugh, splurge and spoil his girls. Determined to slurp the world ’til juices ran down his chin — or hot-sauce-induced sweat ran down his forehead. What else but that lust for life explains his decision to retire early, buy a dream hillside home and embark on one vacation after vacation with his wife? To cram the space beneath and around the Christmas tree with dozens of gifts for his family? To stuff his garage with cars, trucks, Vespas and other assorted toys on wheels? To throw open his arms to the stranger (me) who’s to blame for his eldest daughter’s 3,000-mile retreat to New York?

It’s monstrously sad and unfair to think a man who lived life so fully could be ripped from it so abruptly, and too soon. And I’m not a fan of trying to root out God’s “plan.” Please, if someone close to you is ever navigating through a painful loss, don’t tell them everything “happens for a reason.” It’s been nearly 10 years since I lost my own father, and I have yet to discover what purpose his death at 57 could have served the universe. The mere suggestion still makes me want to spit my own teeth out.

But if there is any hopeful glimmer here, I think it’s this: Mr. G did let those juices stream down his chin. He clapped both hands around life and held on tight until he had to let go.

I hope those of us who now feel so battered and bruised by his death will eventually follow the example he set in life. And get slurping.

Mr. Gilbert

Under my skin

I’ve been feeling a wee bit wimpy since I got my second tattoo Monday night. 

Why? Well, to be honest, I nearly swallowed my tongue when the tattoo artist lowered that buzzing needle onto my left wrist. This was not the same pain I remembered from Round One. Of course, my inaugural tattoo: 

   

  1. was applied on a different, probably less sensitive body part (back of neck);
  2. came as a mostly drunken impulse, after a few margaritas with friends in Dallas, Texas;
  3. happened  in my 20s. 

Jenna guts her way through another challenge.

 
Although my partners-in-ink, Jenna and Cabrina, chatted comfortably during their turns in the tattoo chair, I sat mute and staring straight ahead. About 10 minutes in, I managed to mutter, “Wrist is worse.” Trevor, the guy wielding the needle, agreed instantly: “Ohh, yeah.” And when I mentioned my first tattoo was 14 years earlier, he offered: “They hurt more the older you get.” 

Cabrina's turn.

Well, at least I wasn’t imagining things. And afterward, when Jenna rated her pain a nine on a scale of one to 10, I knew I also wasn’t alone. 

As with the first one, I’ve got zero regrets. Whenever someone asks me about my neck tattoo, I’m immediately transported back to that night so many years ago when we flopped into the chair of a tattoo artist named Grommet, while the guys all rolled their eyes and shook their heads in the waiting area. And now, every time I glance down at that little shamrock, I’ll remember a weekend spent in awe, as 10 selfless women buzzed their heads bald to raise money for children’s cancer. And I’ll wonder whether I’ll ever have the same guts. 

It’s all right here… under my skin.

Back from the airport now, sitting in a house that’s heavy with stillness and quiet. Nothing feels so empty as something that recently was full to bursting, as this place was. Across four jampacked days, these small rooms echoed with laughter and music and the soft murmurs of gentle conversation that resonate so much more deeply face to face than on Facebook.

The Bald Banshees 2010

Our friends Jenna and Leita flew in from Atlanta, so Jenna could join her nine Bald Banshees teammates in the culmination of their quest — to raise $20,000 for pediatric cancer research by agreeing to shave their heads at the annual St. Baldrick’s Day fundraiser at Kitty Hoynes in Syracuse. With just minutes to spare, they met their goal when a team member’s daughter withdrew the last $150 they needed from a nearby ATM. The place thundered with the hoots and whistles of 10 ecstatic women, plus all their exuberant fans.

Before the ladies made their way to the stage, we listened to heart-rending testimonials from mothers of kids battling childhood cancers, as well as Tim Kenny, one of the three guys who originally came up with the idea for St. Baldrick’s Day back in 2000.

Then it was time.

The Banshee shavings, which had to be split into two shifts to accommodate such a big team, were astonishing, inspiring, heart-inflating. First, the “newbies” took their seats – smiles frozen, eyes wide and restless as pinballs – as the volunteer hairstylists tied green aprons around their necks. Then the electric clippers buzzed to life and strands of blonde, gray, red and brown began to cascade like autumn leaves. Next came the veterans — Cabrina, Marti and Erin were all former Baldrick’s shavees — and two more shaving virgins.

Mere minutes later, 10 brave women stood outside in the March sunshine, rubbing their bald heads and grinning and posing for photographs.

It’s impossible to watch it all unfold and not start imagining your own bald head and asking yourself, “Why not? Maybe next year.” Three days later, the question keeps coming. So, indeed, maybe next year.

But, for now, I’m happy to heap praise where it belongs — on the 10 brave ladies who raised more than $20,000 for the fight against kids cancer. I’m so proud to call them my friends.

Up next: Bald heads lead to inked skin…

The only part of my chapbook that's close to finished: the cover image. ©2010 Laura T. Ryan

For Rooftop’s few enthusiasts, I’m sorry I’ve been so absent from this space. Lately, I’m frazzled and feeling tugged in eight different directions. But, you know what? That’s precisely why I cordoned off this patch of roof: to reflect on (or vent about) whatever seems to be filling my day. So, tugged or not, here I am. 

The equal and opposing forces on the other end of my chain these days? In no particular order:

  1. My need to feel sure-footed over at the books blog I’ve been doing. Hours of work have netted just a pocketful of loose change (not so great), but a few dozen subscribers (sort of encouraging). The best part of the whole enterprise so far has been reacquiring my old literary sources: booksellers, librarians, publishers, college PR types. I didn’t realize how hollow being out of the loop felt until I circled back in.
  2. The process of whipping copies of my resume at various moving targets. Talk about humbling. Just call me Humility Central over here, as my spiffy, in-color, updated resume flies out into the vast and eerily quiet vacuum of the Internet. It’s like dropping a coin into a bottomless well, over and over again.
  3. My continuing attempt to act like a fiction writer. In one class, a publishing seminar, each of us has to produce our own chapbook, brimming with examples of our exquisite prose. Only trouble is, I’m so new at this, the sum total of all my writing samples wouldn’ t even come up to the brim of a cookie sheet. So I’m struggling to revise the novella I produced in my one and only fiction-writing workshop, last semester. Pray for me.

So, I recently hinted that some version of my old work blog, Shelf Life, might be rising from the ashes.

Well, last night it did.

I’ve started reporting on all things local and literary at a new online home. It’d be marvelous if you’d check it out, early and often, for news about Central New York books being published or reviewed, readings and signings in town, local authors scoring awards and more. If you like what you find, maybe you’ll even consider signing up for automatic e-mail alerts by clicking on the “subscribe” button at the top. But no pressure.

And don’t worry: I have no plans to abandon the Rooftop. Where else can I rant, reflect and generally write goofily?

Slovenly peace

After I pried my crusty eyes from the computer screen, rose from my chair and clunked down the stairs toward the coffeemaker — fuzzy slippers on my feet, a wake of blue fleece robe trailing behind me, smudged pair of reading glasses sunk into a riot of unwashed curls – I realized something:

I’m a walking cliche.

Then I smiled for the first time in days.

Wednesday wanderings

On my glass-eyed, slipper-slide

from room to room

I pause to listen to each

heat register’s signature whoosh,

each clock’s own tock –

so much more pleasing than the words she spoke

which still crash inside my chest

like a typhoon

or Big Ben

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